It’s Better to Give

May 4, 2005

It’s something that with $10 million or so and a high-powered ad agency, the industry might be able to make a small dent in the public’s perception of luxury. I’ll offer my advice for free, encompassed in two words.
Neiman-Marcus.
OK, maybe it’s one word if you want to be hypertechnical about the hyphenation. It’s the image of the high-end Dallas retailer that I’m talking about here, and that the company can’t begin to value the annual windfall of publicity it gets for expensive, over-the-top holiday gifts. Why can’t we do the same for stone by offering a line of trendy goods that the Smart Set just can’t live without?
Never mind that it’s May. To get a good run at this year’s gift market, we need to start early. It’s almost too late for 2005 if prototypes aren’t in store-buyers’ hands by Independence Day, and now is always a good time for a good idea.
Last month, I took the elevator down the Stone Business Tower to the research-and-development gang in the basement, looking for some ideas. Several days later, the following list came back to my office, making the case that:
a) There’s a good reason we keep these folks subterranean; and
b) Stone’s appeal to vanity can go far beyond the bathroom.

1. The stone swimming pool. Why stop at the coping or the trim? Plaster can be so plebian when compared to the rich veining of marble. A visiting movie star might see a marble bathtub as standard pampering, but an Olympic-sized pool with Uba Tuba inset lane markers is a true jaw-dropper.
Advantage: It’s a big impression. Disadvantage: Stone-care formulators consider investing in tanker fleets to deliver solutions to battle chlorine, hard water and the rich-and-uncouth who truly like to go in the pool.
2. Stone kitchen appliances. Should countertops and sinks be the limit for granite in the cookery? Only the best kitchens would sport cladding (matching or complementary stone only) on dishwashers, ranges, refrigerators, trash compactors, toaster ovens, George Foreman™ grills and anything else the customer desires. After all, stainless steel appliances look so industrial, and granite is recherche, ne c’est pas?
Advantage: Kitchen templators hit the jackpot when customers are Williams-Sonoma junkies. Disadvantage: Massive retrofits for motor-assisted doors for dishwashers, ranges, refrigerators, etc. Each granite-bodied George Foreman grill is delivered with its own George Foreman to lift the lid.
3. Stone Hummer®. Given that concept cars are already tricked out with solid-surface interiors and stone adorns yachts and private jets, the world’s toughest vehicle deserves some solid accessories. And don’t stop at the dashboard; consider running boards, door trim, grilles and a custom accelerator pedal for the ultimate leadfoot.
Advantage: The world’s first tested-and-accredited 75mph no-damage granite bumper. Disadvantages: Hummer EPA ratings go to gallons-per-mile and insurance rates skyrocket for all other vehicles. Soccer moms abandon minivans for new consumer version of the Bradley Fighting Vehicle.
4. Air Juperanas™. The slogan writes itself: “The Ultimate Training Shoe.” Picking your feet up becomes the first big workout of the day. Everyone in the gym will notice the sharp-looking soles of your exercise gear, right after they hear the tremendous pounding on the floor. They give a new meaning to “crunch time.”
Advantage: Builds the world’s strongest calves, guaranteed. Disadvantages: Causes leg cramps just looking at the shoes. Owners create unique deep-rut pattern making running paths look like unicycle versions of the Oregon Trail.
5. One-piece stone commode. Sinks and tubs are carved from one block of stone. Why not the toilet? Surely the rich and famous can afford a luxurious throne befitting their self-image.
Advantage: Installers who partner with companies offering floor-support retrofits make a mint in referrals. Disadvantage: CNC programmers go insane attempting to write tool paths for drilling the siphon.
6. Stone driver. Here’s the club to shorten any course. Hitting the sweet spot allows golfers to drill balls through any obstacle, including the slow-playing threesome bottlenecking the links. Fabricators have the run of the best pro shops.
Advantage: Sparks new research for anchoring golf shoes (and golfers) to the tee. Disadvantage: U.S. Senate deadlocks on filibuster of legislation prohibiting Gerald Ford from owning one.
7. Stone PowerBook®. Plastic cases never look formal enough; alabaster and onyx bring a touch of class, and Apple owners look even more cutting-edge. Users develop strong-enough lats for the hefty weight by training with Air Juperanas.™
Advantage: Solves Steven Jobs’ problem of the case getting a little hot with prolonged use. Disadvantage: In an attempt to stop its production, Bill Gates accidentally corners the market in buying all dimensional-stone reserves worldwide.
8. Stone cellular phone. Small can be beautiful, with the ability to create tasteful accessorizing with an all-natural look. Owners quit trying to hide cell phones and fabricators find new partners with top-line jewelers.
Advantage: The cellular-phone industry ends the debate on shielding RF-wave dangers. Disadvantage: Phone weights prohibit owners from getting device answered in four rings, creating massive voice-mail overload and crashing the world’s entire telecommunication system.
The list of products continued for a few more pages, including the stone skateboard (great for getting air, deadly in wipeouts). Tests of the Genuine Basalt Bowling Ball looked good at the Stone Business Testing Alley downstairs, and the various broken toes should be covered by workers’ compensation.
A couple of items didn’t make the cut. Stone luggage never could be light enough to meet carry-on restrictions. The perfume – “Memories of a Baltic Brown Night” – tanked in preliminary olefactory tests. The jury’s still out on the personalized luxury safari of Midwestern limestone quarries. And then there was stone lingerie.
Don’t ask. Please. Don’t ask.